Which Side Are Men On? My Take on the ‘Not All Men’ Rebuttal

Words Matter

Why is ‘not all men’ such a controversial phrase? Why do people say it, and why are people mad about it? 

March 2021 was Women’s History Month, a time dedicated to celebrating women’s accomplishments over the years. However, discussions turned to women’s safety and violence against women after Sarah Everard was murdered walking home in London.  

In the wake of this horrible incident, there have been a lot of controversial views on social media. Women across the UK have rallied together in an outcry for women's safety, drawing the national spotlight to the constant threat to safety faced by women any time they walk alone at night, or take a taxi or bus alone. They have done this by their own personal fears and experiences. This has caused institutions to evaluate their structures and realise that they may be built around sexist views that can be harmful towards women and girls. A disturbing example of this is when schools tell girls that wearing leggings or short skirts or tight trousers can be distracting for boys and even male teachers. All this teaches us, as girls, is that we should dress for male comfort instead of our own, and what type of message is that for schools to send their pupils?

Unfortunately, not all responses have been supportive or positive. A common response to women speaking about how men can make them feel uncomfortable, is “not all men”.  

Why do men become defensive about the topic of sexual assault and harassment against women? You would assume that men who don’t support sexual assault would be supportive of women speaking out against it. 

Instead, they seem to associate themselves with the perpetrators of sexual assault and harassment, just because they share the same gender. 

As a result of this, it becomes a ‘them vs. us’ type of scenario when we are actually on the same side. If this mentality were to be used it should be the perpetrators of assault versus everyone else. Women share their experiences to show other women that they are not alone, not to prove that all men are criminals. We need men to understand that we don’t hate all men just because a small percentage are dangerous, and we don’t associate men who are our friends or companions with men that hurt us. But we need the men in our lives to stand with us in solidarity and opposition of violence against women, not make it about them. Women are sharing their experiences to stop them from happening again, not to attack men. Men should be helping us, not going against us. 

Alongside defensiveness, men also believe that we are ignoring their problems. Do we really need to clarify that trying to inform and educate yourself and others about a specific problem that affects many women does not mean that other issues don’t matter? We understand that men can be sexually assaulted as well. It is not a competition. In some cases, men use their problems to undermine other human rights issues such as sexual violence against women. Men’s problems are as important as women’s, however, when people use the issue of sexual assault against men to discredit women’s experiences, they must understand, first of all, women and girls are far more likely to experience sexual violence than men and boys, and secondly, the majority of sexual violence against men is committed by other men.

The World Health Organization (WHO) 2018 Violence against women Prevalence Estimates found that 1 in 30 or 30% of women worldwide experience sexual violence in their lives. The Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW) Sexual offences in England and Wales 2017 report estimated that 4% of men in the England and Wales have experienced some type of sexual assault compared to 20% or women. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NIPSVS) reported that the majority of perpetrators sexual assault against all genders were men, with 93% of rapists of males being men (although, female perpetrators became more common when consider other forms of sexual assault).  Clearly the issue of male violence impacts society as a whole, not just women; so it’s one that we should all be on the same team to rally against. 

Aside from undermining others, misogynists are ignorant. I was speaking to a boy in my year about the movement since Sarah Everard’s death. He specifically told me that he doesn’t read posts he disagrees with, his excuse was “I’ll not learn” or “all I learn is that people disagree with me, so I’ll avoid them”. He also mentioned that he was “ok with not being near someone who doesn’t have the correct morals”. This is a really good example of an echo chamber, an echo chamber is when someone is in an environment with people whose beliefs are similar to their own, leading to their views being reinforced, not questioned. Like it or not, you will learn when you come out of an echo chamber, even if you disagree with what the source is saying. You might even feel enlightened by new information! Although it is unfortunate, many alike humans are, quite frankly, scared of change and realising that they might be wrong in a matter.

By definition, bigotry is ‘an obstinate or unreasonable attachment to a belief, opinion, or faction,’ mainly in the terms of prejudice. Closed-mindedness keeps our society back from achieving equality and safety for everyone. Therefore, educating children from a young age to avoid and combat toxic masculinity will set us on the path towards these ideals.

All we want is to know that men support us and not the criminals, that men will go out of their way to make sure that we are safe, that they’ll stand up to strangers or even their own friends when they see them making a woman uncomfortable or posing a threat to her. 

So the next time a girl or woman you know shares her experiences and fears about sexual violence against women, instead of replying with "not all men" and ignoring the very real threat that women have to face every day, maybe try and find out how you can help, how you can support women, and how you can ensure that you and your friends are never the ones committing violence against women and girls, or anyone else for that matter.

For further learning on this subject, check out our Masculinity Resource or our Countering Gender Stereotypes in Schools Guide from the Eager Free Resource Library.